I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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