good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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