I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
