and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
