Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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