Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My penis needs a shock collar
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
