There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
