If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
