Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
