I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
