I have demons in me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Randomize
