I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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