so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
