nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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