They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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