i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize