Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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