I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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