im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
