literally had 100 drinks last night.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
