Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
