the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
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