Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
