hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
