1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
