Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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