jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
