So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She bit a glass in half.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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