just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
