I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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