he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She's the barista slut.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
