I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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