Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
