u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
