My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
