He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize