Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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