she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
