just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
