I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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