and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize