my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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