There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
areolas are like halos for boobs.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
