Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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