My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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