I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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