she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
