i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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