you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
