How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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