Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
