I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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