i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize