I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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