Plan B is the new Plan A
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
