then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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