she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
