last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
